This year has been a Lot! I mean emotionally, financially, psychologically, man all the “callys”.

There’s a day, wait actually so many days where I sat in front of my computer with a waving thought of pain, a heavy weight of pressure and a sight of grey clouds, with no one to call and nowhere to go. It’s been an extremely lonely year with so many people around me, but it’s been a time for me to introspect and rediscover.

I’m glad I didn’t use that razor blade, glad I didn’t take those pills. I’m glad I chose to carry on, to live, to learn, to get up and dust myself up. I’m glad I chose to get out of bed, to go take a shower and open the blinds, I’m glad I let the light in through my cracks. I have become strong, resilient and calmer. I’m so glad that instead, I just cried because it hurts, it hurt so much, the pain demanded me to feel it but I had to stop giving in to its demands. So I stopped feeling and let it out, so my darling, just cry, speak up, and release.

I think it’s safe now, to say that I got through the year, and half the time I didn’t even know what was going on or what I was doing. So believe me when I say it happens. It’ll happen that sometimes you feel like you have absolutely no control over anything, not your emotions, not your thoughts, not your bank balance or your situation so just, just wing it, just breath and give it to the universe. I read somewhere that “the more you trust, the quicker you manifest” and I have made this a declaration.

Choose life, choose you, it’s not being selfish, it’s selflove and most importantly say that you’re not OK. I’ve realized that I want people to know that I’m not OK, but I don’t say it, so I mean, what do I mean?! So as I learn how to say this out loud, I hope you do too… I hope you meditate instead of overthinking, I hope you choose positive affirmations and declare good things over your life over dwelling on your problems.

I hope you heal, I hope you acknowledge that you are Unfolding and not put pressure on your self to bloom because it takes time. I hope you learn the meaning in the meantime…

Love❤️ Peace🙏 Light🌈

Mosi

EVERYONE told me about how having an honors degree would do me good, but they forgot to mention that at some point it would threaten to ‘take me’…

I’m honestly very grateful for this year, it’s lessons and blessings but it has been and still continues to be a tough one. I can’t count the times I’ve sat in from of my PC for like an hour and did nothing but cry, the first time it happened I was ready to de_register just before the June holidays, because I had two days to write a 3000 words literature review but then everyone kept saying “oh but you’re so far” and I felt bad.

But the thing is, I was far and I was drifting even further from my sanity, from my being ‘ok’. I called my mother and she said: “come home Nana” , and I did go home and told her and she said we could go back and fetch my stuff but first, she asked me if I was a quitter and I wasn’t, I had overcome so much to let this degree take me.

But when it came down to it, I wouldn’t be quitting, I’d be choosing myself and often we fail to choose ourselves over the high expectations that we set for ourselves, we fail to choose ourselves over the benefits of what we’re doing. I’m honestly in such a dark place, that place that I go to when I’m drowning, that dark place of deep sleep and locking myself away.

But I’m glad and I consider myself blessed to have people that never let me get in too deep, people that continuously pull me out, but also because I reach out. This isn’t just about honors it’s a message for you to choose yourself, and it’s a message of hope to those coming here next, make sure you prepare yourself mentally, emotionally and physically. Prepare those around you, prepare your support structures/systems as of now because trust me it’s gonna be a JOURNEY! BUT LISTEN TO ME, YOU CAN DO IT!!

I hope this doesn’t cut you, I hope it doesn’t discourage you, I hope it doesn’t defeat you before you even start, I’m writing this because it’s tough but I’m overcoming, this is my heart, uncensored with no filter.

Love❤️ Light🌈 Peace🙏

Mosi

The past few weeks have been difficult, the state of the country has been a mess and everything has just been triggering. I’ve been feeling helpless and drained, every little thing felt like work,such simple things like cooking.

Everything has been frustrating and draining me, I have wanted nothing more than to lock myself in my room and dissappear for a few days just to be alone, but the more alone I was the deeper I got into my own head and so I had to get out. I’ve been in a bad space but yet I’ve managed to smile through it, I’ve held back so many tears, in the bus, in the taxi and on my way home. I’m glad though, glad that I am able to realize this and surround myself with love and good energy

I hope this helps you realize how you really feel, I hope it instills the need for you to figure out how you really feel, the need for you to break out and the power to fight your thoughts. Your precious, so precious so be kind to yourself.

Stay prayed up, meditate, do anything (that’s not toxic) that helps you feel grounded, you need it.

Love❤️ Light🌈 Peace🙏

I personally believe that there aren’t REALLY any sexual abuse/rape “survivors” because it’s a process and not a decision…

Survivor: A person who copes with difficulties in their lives. But I think a survivor is someone who chooses, everyday to fight the battle against their thoughts

Victim: A person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill treatment.

Now I’m gonna need you to do something for YOU, I’m gonna need you to choose which one you want to be, a surviving victim or just a victim. Let me tell you the difference, a surviving victim is Me, it is what I am, someone who had to decide that the fight was worth it, that what happened was a tragedy but I’m not. You see, a surviving victim is a fighter, no matter how many times you break down, feel helpless and no matter how much it hurts, never give your thoughts the power, never let them win or posses you. This is a fight you can win, but you have to wake up every day and you have to CHOOSE survival.

The first part of survival is forgiveness, I mean I won’t tell you how to forgive or when, look I won’t even tell you why but I’ll tell you that it took me most of my teenage years to find forgiveness not only for the person that wronged me, but for thinking that I wasn’t worth all the love that I’m getting and for robbing myself of being loved because I thought my scars were too ugly and that my cuts were too deep and so I’d be a burden. I had to forgive because if I didn’t I’d always be asking myself what I did to deserve such ill treatment but instead I forgave and I can now use my pain to help others heal.

I grew scared of relationships because I always thought I was too broken to have anyone love me, let alone accept me…but why wouldn’t they, I mean have you met me? I’m such a breath fresh air, I’m amazing, I am loving, I am love and this, I have to remind myself everyday (affirmations) . We all have scars and we’ve all felt pain or been cut before, but that doesn’t mean we are unlovable. Listen, you are beautiful, you are worthy and you are wonderfully made, all your scars make you strong because someone else hasn’t been where or through what you’ve been through and yet here you are and perhaps they couldn’t have, but you did. Always remember that, that you did THAT, you came this far, you’ve been surviving all this time, don’t give up now.

So go on, go on and live, go on and wear those scars like WINGS and mount them up like an eagle… Keep on surviving.

Love❤️ Light🌈 Peace🙏

Mosi

This here is the link to a podcast/chat I had with Danny Painter at Jacaranda FM.

If you have some time,go listen to it and share it if you can (this is a declaration of hope)…

link to full radio interview/podcast

Love❤️ Light 🌈 Peace 🙏

Mosi

What I’ve learned is to forgive,not only my abuser but myself for the things I did when I didn’t know better,for beating myself up about things that I couldn’t control and for shutting people out when all they wanted to do was to simply be there.

I complained a lot about being alone and about my family not understanding what I was going through,but how were they to know when I didn’t even say,even if I didn’t say ‘Hey I was abused’,but to just speak up and say ‘Hey,I’m hurting and I’m not ok’.

When you’re hurting,no one else know what you go through except you and therefore you know the kind of support you need,so what I’m saying is…you can’t say you have no one when you’re the one not allowing anyone to be there. See I know this because I’ve been alone,I’ve seen myself crash and burn but go out there and offer the world so much love and you know what the world did? It received all that love and gave none back.

So do it, forgive yourself for even expecting yourself to be strong when it’s hard to. Break down if you have,hurt and cry and then learn what and who hurts you and make sure you never go and seek happiness and healing from the feet of those that hurt you or from places that break you. Remember to breath…

Love❤️ Light 🌈 Peace 🙏

Mosi

On some days the greatest struggle is to simply get out of bed,it’s heavy,it’s sickening and that’s ok.

You don’t have the energy to do anything, something that was supposed to take minutes for you to complete may take hours and that’s ok. Here’s one thing I need from you though,see that wave of sadness that just hit you? Don’t you dare let it wash you away, stretch your hand and reach out for help,kick and paddle,do whatever you CAN just to stay afloat,my darling don’t you dare drown!

It’s been ‘one of those days’ for the past couple of weeks,but you’re still standing,breathe and exhail everything that you’re overthinking,be in the now,hold on and stay alive!!

Take it easy on yourself,you’re doing the best you can…

Love❤️ Peace 🙏 Light🌈

Mosi

Reminiscent

To heal,you must break so you can pick up the pieces and glue them together how you want. Here’s the thing about pain,it demands to be felt…and mine?well mine tends to remind me of my strength and the power in my scars.

There are parts of me that I’m still looking for,parts i lost when i erased that little girl,when i completely shut her up and rebooted,i lost her but i hope that in time she’ll find her way and I’ll find mine,that we’ll find our way back to each.

This is just a thought i felt i should share with you today,that i lost someone,she was happy,she was free,she is me. Perhaps you’ve lost you,or feel like you are…well this is for you. I hope you embrace the cracks because that’s where the light enters you and when it enters i hope it leads you to healing,I hope you learn the language of the darkness because that’s where elevation lies.

Today,I’m writing this letter to you to remind you to reflect and to remember who you are.

Love❤ Light🌈 Peace🙏

Mosi